Buyer's Remorse: A Tangent on Food vs Body Image

Allow me to just begin with a very blunt statement; As this will be a very blunt entry.

Insomnia and eat disorders DO NOT mix.

Not that either are particularly healthy to begin with.
It's 1:18am right now where I live and I'm WIDE AWAKE right now, like buzzing with energy. AND feeling really shitty about what I ate today. Which is insane, because, realistically, the amount of calories I consumed today are likely no more than what an average healthy person would consume. (For the record, the general recommended calorie amount a healthy adult should consume is between 1200-2000 a day, or something like that)
Pretty sure, on average I MIGHT get up to like... 8 or 900 on a good day.
Fuck, I still probably was close to that today.
And yet, here I am, awake and freaking out because I can't really go for a run right now without running the risk of robbery or rape. Not so into either of those.

You know, I heard something today... or maybe I read it, I don't know. But whatever form the dialogue was in, it said; "We are constantly comparing our basic selves to people done up to their very best."
Its true, and its something that I am entirely aware of, and yet I find I can't help it. And really, if I wasn't so fucked in the head, I probably wouldn't be too worried about my body.
I fit a between 0-2 depending on the store in North American sizes. By all standards I am small. BUT I'm also 5'2. If I was a couple inches taller I would look rather stick like, but at my height, there is less stick and more... athletic-like looks going on. Which isn't a bad shape,  actually really like it on other people.
Emphasis on the OTHER part.
Why is it that girls are trained to want to look so skeletal and, well, "girlish" instead of "womanly" or "curvy"?
And why do so many of us (especially Caucasian women) but into it?
Sometime, I don't even like wearing bras because they lift my chest up and suddenly you can't see my collar and breast bones as well.  
Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? Its so messed up, and I KNOW that its messed up.
But I don't really want to change it.
Know what else is stupid?
Now that its getting warm enough up here in The Great White North to start running again, its going to get worse.
I get up in the morning, make breakfast then go for at least an hour long run. After I get back, I have breakfast all burned off plus a bunch of extra calories burnt off. But I get so nervous about re-consuming what I just spent an hour burning off that I have a hard time convincing myself to eat much else the rest of the day.
How is that okay?
Its not.
Yet I function... and don't feel all the motivated to change it.

An eating disorder is not something I would wish on anyone. Its like being at war CONSTANTLY with your self. And its exhausting to keep the effort of it up, not to mention your energy in general at times. And you get caught in this loop; You (at least in my case) are unhappy with the scale, so you limit what you eat for a while, get to where you want to be, feel better, eat somewhat normal again, BUT because you just put your body into starvation mode its storing everything that your eating, and your metabolism has not come to a crashing halt, and if you eat too much you're gonna gain back some of the weight, so the cycle begins anew. Exercising does help, but its not always enough.
There have been a few times when I've felt so guilty about what I ate that I tried to make myself throw it up. Didn't work those times, but I know that I could try it again, have thought about doing it.
Did you know that eating disorders are one of the only psychological problems where the person with the ailment will switch between methods?

I seriously hate that I bought into the "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" Ideal.
But I'm still stuck in the magazine, and I'm not looking for a way out yet.  

I don't know. Some days/weeks are better than others. This was just a shitty one.
Going for a run in the morning, I'll feel better then.  

I sincerely hope no one who reads this is going through this sort of thing.