silent-and-invalid

Till September anyways, THEN school is done forever after that semester! SSSsssoooo happy that it will be done and over with!
I stand firmly behind a previous entry where I said college is bullshit.
it is.
excited to be done, get a real job, no more of this retail crap, and start my life.

the end. New stuff coming eventually.


ps. On my run this morning, there was this guy who seriously and literally slowed down his truck to look at me while I was running.
classy bastard, that one.

Allow me to just begin with a very blunt statement; As this will be a very blunt entry.

Insomnia and eat disorders DO NOT mix.

Not that either are particularly healthy to begin with.
It's 1:18am right now where I live and I'm WIDE AWAKE right now, like buzzing with energy. AND feeling really shitty about what I ate today. Which is insane, because, realistically, the amount of calories I consumed today are likely no more than what an average healthy person would consume. (For the record, the general recommended calorie amount a healthy adult should consume is between 1200-2000 a day, or something like that)
Pretty sure, on average I MIGHT get up to like... 8 or 900 on a good day.
Fuck, I still probably was close to that today.
And yet, here I am, awake and freaking out because I can't really go for a run right now without running the risk of robbery or rape. Not so into either of those.

You know, I heard something today... or maybe I read it, I don't know. But whatever form the dialogue was in, it said; "We are constantly comparing our basic selves to people done up to their very best."
Its true, and its something that I am entirely aware of, and yet I find I can't help it. And really, if I wasn't so fucked in the head, I probably wouldn't be too worried about my body.
I fit a between 0-2 depending on the store in North American sizes. By all standards I am small. BUT I'm also 5'2. If I was a couple inches taller I would look rather stick like, but at my height, there is less stick and more... athletic-like looks going on. Which isn't a bad shape,  actually really like it on other people.
Emphasis on the OTHER part.
Why is it that girls are trained to want to look so skeletal and, well, "girlish" instead of "womanly" or "curvy"?
And why do so many of us (especially Caucasian women) but into it?
Sometime, I don't even like wearing bras because they lift my chest up and suddenly you can't see my collar and breast bones as well.  
Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK??? Its so messed up, and I KNOW that its messed up.
But I don't really want to change it.
Know what else is stupid?
Now that its getting warm enough up here in The Great White North to start running again, its going to get worse.
I get up in the morning, make breakfast then go for at least an hour long run. After I get back, I have breakfast all burned off plus a bunch of extra calories burnt off. But I get so nervous about re-consuming what I just spent an hour burning off that I have a hard time convincing myself to eat much else the rest of the day.
How is that okay?
Its not.
Yet I function... and don't feel all the motivated to change it.

An eating disorder is not something I would wish on anyone. Its like being at war CONSTANTLY with your self. And its exhausting to keep the effort of it up, not to mention your energy in general at times. And you get caught in this loop; You (at least in my case) are unhappy with the scale, so you limit what you eat for a while, get to where you want to be, feel better, eat somewhat normal again, BUT because you just put your body into starvation mode its storing everything that your eating, and your metabolism has not come to a crashing halt, and if you eat too much you're gonna gain back some of the weight, so the cycle begins anew. Exercising does help, but its not always enough.
There have been a few times when I've felt so guilty about what I ate that I tried to make myself throw it up. Didn't work those times, but I know that I could try it again, have thought about doing it.
Did you know that eating disorders are one of the only psychological problems where the person with the ailment will switch between methods?

I seriously hate that I bought into the "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" Ideal.
But I'm still stuck in the magazine, and I'm not looking for a way out yet.  

I don't know. Some days/weeks are better than others. This was just a shitty one.
Going for a run in the morning, I'll feel better then.  

I sincerely hope no one who reads this is going through this sort of thing.

Okay, so have you ever been put in the position where you are really close to someone and they're going into something that they really love and will make them immensely happy, but its going to take them away from you?
It sucks, let me tell you.
"He" just got his class 1 driver's license today, which means (at least here in Canada) that He can drive/operate any vehicle excluding motorcycles. He want to drive for the mines or oil fields up north. It's ccrraaazzzyyyyyy good money, and something that I know he is going to LOVE doing, he gets to see some of the most beautiful country side in all of Western Canada. So, in that sense, I'm so freaking happy for him! He deserves it! But the sad part is, he'll be 8-10 or more hours away from me 2 weeks out of every month. He'll be off for about a week, during which time he'll come back down here and spend the week "vegging". And of course, I get top priority. He wants to drive up north for a year or two, to make some good money, buy a house and move in with me. He says he's doing it for us, and I believe him! But, I'm so used to seeing him almost every day, and anytime something is wrong, whether it's my car, or me, or anything, he drops everything and is there, and I'm the same for him. He's the number one person in my life, and he's going to be gone most of the time in a month or two. I trust him completely, I trust in us to, but there's that fear in the back of my mind whispering "what if we grow apart?" "What if t gets too hard?"
I'm trying to be happy for him, I AM happy for him, this is something he really likes, and is really, really good at, he excelled in his class.
It just really sucks knowing that I'm going to have to get used to saying goodbye all the time

Can I just ask why people say that your "College Years" are some of the best years?
Broke, ALL the time, astronomical tuition and book fees, pointless classes that have nothing to do with what you're going to do, papers, group projects, midterms, finals, STRESS.
And I have come to the conclusion that, even above papers and exams, group projects are the worst of it all. (except maybe the broke part). WHY DO PEOPLE SUCK!? Someone please tell me!
I've discovered that, just as bad as the person who doesn't do anything for the project, is the person who tires to take over and do the whole damn thing themselves. GRUOP project, people. If you "Don't think we'll have anything to hand in" don't just do it all yourself right away. ASK THE PERSON WHO YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET A HOLD OF IF THEY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED (Which I didn't cause said control freak didn't send it to me until she told me she had everything done) AND HOW FAR ALONG SAID PORTION OF SAID GROUP PROJECT IS.

it's been a shitty week...

people suck.
college is bull shit.
I hate school, and everything else this week.

angst.

So yesterday I was in my Communications in Journalism class and we watched a really fascinating documentary directed by Andrew Rossi (If I remember correctly) called Page One. It was about how the New York Times is one of the only major American newspapers that is still alive and (somewhat) thriving in recent years now that the majority of the American population (along with the rest of the "Western" cultures) gets the majority of it's new from the internet. Now the story about The Times was an interesting one, and creeping in on how a major news paper operates was certainly somewhat of a thrill, but there was one line that Reporter David Carr said while in a conference that really stood out to me. He said something along the lines of;

"Look around you, all of you are still here. Don't think about who's gone, you're still here."

He was speaking at a conference in Minneapolis to fellow reporters about the downward slope journalism is rolling on. After he said that I got thinking about writing in terms of my own preferred field, Literature. Now I could go into a rant about how "us young people just don't read anymore. We're too busy on Facebook or playing video games." But I think i'd rather not go into that extremely over-done discussion. Times are changing, priorities are changing. Shit happens, so shut up and carry on about your business.

I got thinking about writing, and The Arts in general. The Arts are, in many ways (including in my own personal opinion), the center of culture. The Arts are how we honor our history, traditions, points of view and our passions. There are an awful lot of incredibly talented artists in the world of all different disciplines. Those widely known and celebrated artists are always met with such revere. They're considered so brave for pursuing what they love to do and create and the rest of us tend to get into the complex of "Oh I could never do that, I'm not talented enough, there just isn't and security in a career in -insertyourfavoriteartformhere-, maybe one day…"

And that last line "Maybe one day" brought on an entirely new question in my head.

When does that One Day come? I want to be a writer, I know that I'm a good writer, I believe that I can write something good enough to be published, to be read by other people! (And now the Canadian in me is begging you to not take this as arrogant, merely a personal belief, though my opinion and personal journey to pride in one's self is long enough for an entirely different post) But when will that day come?

Most of the authors who I read and idolize are older, 40's 50's 60's even. So, sometimes I wonder if I've subconsciously told myself that I can't write a novel until I'm older, until I'm an adult.

I'm 21. Legally I am an adult. Though a lot of people would say "You're only 21, you haven't experienced life yet, you have a lot left to learn and see. And I agree. I am young, there is a lot left to learn and see, but I have also lived. I've learned things, seen things, felt things, suffered things. I have a point of view, I have a voice to share said view. I have a story that I want to tell, a good story. One worth reading. So, why can't I write it now? Why can't I be a published author at 22 or 23?

Yes, I'm only in college, I don't have a career yet, don't own a house. I don't have a spouse, I don't have plants or a car payment. But I don't think these are good enough reasons to put off doing what makes me happy. If anything, this is the perfect time to do what makes me happy. Writing makes me happy.

I think I'm gonna write that book.